The Worst Day Since Yesterday

Preview was a disaster.

Things were looking so great last night and then today happened....

I went to class, idk, I guess I'd like to graduate. Not that that's going to happen with a paper two weeks past due date and two failed tests in history. I'm going to be so angry if that's the only thing that keeps me from graduating. Maybe I can take the summer manager position and stay up here while I work, take the class, and get my diploma....

Not the issue at this moment though.

Good Person of Szechwan has been such a great opportunity to see what I can do with lighting. I'd like to say I'm happy with it, I'm not. I didn't get a chance to do my cuing the way I wanted to because so many other things happened. It was bullshit. I couldn't have my cyc down today, opera dropped off all of their stuff in our lobby so it had to go back into the hole.... I had to take help from people that didn't really have time to give it to me. I feel like I've been a week behind on this design for the past month. It feels like everything that could possibly go wrong has. Most of those things have been outside of my control. I've been looking for that happy balance between school work and productions and I ALMOST FOUND IT. But then I ended up running what felt like at least half of every call when it wasn't my job.

I hate feeling like I'm being told that my cuing has priority but then I never get it. I don't want to be a bitch and demand it. I feel like I don't know enough and that I'm not aggressive enough to accomplish what I want. I don't like to get aggressive because once I do it's hard to pull back. And I feel like I'm being told to be aggressive, yet not get an attitude. I wish a few other people would have their attitude put into check, or at least brought into question. Why does the fight always have to be my fault?

Anyhow, per Lucas' request I'm going to go stop thinking about the show, get a hot shower, and go to sleep. I'm half way breathing now....I couldn't earlier....

I love theatre, it doesn't love me...